I’m home sick today. It’s the first day that I have gone into work, and left the peanut there so that I could come home and rest. I miss him. And the truth is that if I didn’t have so much to do in getting ready for our upcoming trips, I would have him home with me. Nap be damned. Right now the pooch is on her dog walk, Rob is at work. I’m all alone in the house, and I know I should welcome this rare opportunity, but I don’t like it. This is big news coming from a former loner like me – but the happiness that fills this house is from the people (and dog) who occupy it. Without them, nothing feels right.
Rob has been sick for weeks. He got over one thing and got another – and I was feeling pretty cocky that I was still healthy. But we, as my parents would say, have been ‘burning the candle at both ends’, and last night around 2:00 am, I think we reached the middle and there was no more candle left to burn. We both love the holidays – and each year we have too many ideas for too many things we’d like to do. I know that’s not an uncommon thing for everyone this time of year, but this year we also have a brand new peanut. And while we’ve reached a nice balance in our daily lives for things we ‘must do’ and things that can definitely slide, we haven’t seemed to learn how to let anything slide in our holiday traditions. So each night we’ve been up too late – spending all our waking hours having fun with our son, and then trying to catch up after he goes to bed. We got into bed last night, and were awakened twice by Brendan – something that only very rarely happens. Then the heater turned on and slammed our bedroom door shut, scaring Chelsea into our arms. Then I woke Rob up coughing. Then I had to blow my nose. Around 4:30 I heard Rob whisper to me that he was tempted to just give in and get up. But I convinced him to stay in bed for another whole hour and a half when our alarm woke us up.
I need to remind myself of what is most important. I need to make a list of all the things I would like to do for the holidays, and then highlight the very most important ones and do them first. And the thing I always want more than anything, is to create space. To have free time in the day so that magic can happen – holding Brendan in my lap and watching him examine my hands, taking a million pictures trying to capture every one of his expressions (and outfits), impromptu family adventures, spontaneous cooking, snuggling on the couch… opportunities to enjoy some of these moments will only come for a short time, and then they will be gone forever. And during Christmas there are even more magic moments waiting to happen – sitting by the tree and playing our ornament game, reading books by the fire, warm beverages on a drive to look at lights. But those things aren’t as fun if they have to be squeezed in between seventeen other things on a to do list. I need to remember that the to do list is never going to end – it’s not even going to get shorter, because there is always something to take the place of the thing I just crossed out. So the first, and perhaps only highlighted item on my to do list should be to create space – to subtract things from my list rather than keep adding. Because as much as I love to do all the extra little things at Christmas, there is nothing I love more that allowing time for magic to happen.
I don’t want my memories of the holidays to be times of exhaustion. I want them to feel warm and cozy – relaxing and renewing. For Brendan especially, I want them to be times of joy and wonder. Rob and I set the example now. We create his reality. And while we have failed in some ways this year, we have also experienced plenty of amazing moments. It’s an incredible phenomenon I’m noticing – that in a strange way the holidays seem a little bit less special than they used to. Not because Brendan is here – but completely the opposite: He makes every single day feel like Christmas. So we need to find even more creative ways to make the holidays extra special. I want this to be my reminder to simplify next year – to start with what is most important – and then stop there. To leave space on the to do list for magic.
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Thank goodness Chelsea just got home. I’m going to procrastinate my packing list just a little bit longer so I can snuggle with her in the window seat.