Actualized.

Today is my birthday. This week I asked Brendan what he thought I wanted for my birthday and without even the slightest pause, he said, “Nothing. Just me.” It’s true. And I love that he knows it. My morning started with a boy climbing on top of me in bed and whispering “Happy Birthday Mommy!” in my ear. As soon as I thanked him, he said, “Let’s go play!”. Daddy was going to try and let me sleep in until at least 6, but Brendan really wanted Mommy to get up. I gave it a shot – “Mommy needs one more minute, okay pal?”. My eyes were closed, but I could feel his little body frozen in place, and then a quiet little voice said, “would a hug help, Mommy?”. He gave me a hug and I sprang out of bed lickety split.

I was treated to a sleepy rendition of happy birthday as we enjoyed a pre-play family wake-up on the couch:

Since it’s my day, I’m going to unwrap a few of my favorite presents from the past week(s). In the spirit of birthdays – I never got to write about celebrating Grandma’s birthday. Grandma’s birthday is June 17th, and in recent years (aside from last year!) poor Grandma has had to share her special day with Father’s Day festivities. We went out to dinner, and had fun being together – but really, a celebration for Grandma that involves Brendan can really only mean one thing: ice cream. So we took Grandma to our new favorite spot. She tried a few tastes, carefully selected two scoops – and the proceeded to share more than half of it with her Grandson. Brendan tried Grandpa’s, and tried Mommy’s – but quickly went back to Grandma. These two eat ice cream like it’s their job. It was fun to watch, not so fun to put him to bed…

Grandma and Grandpa also gave him a toy rocket ship and a book about rockets and space. Brendan opened it and said, “Oh! It’s just what I wanted!!”. Mommy and Daddy had no idea. But clearly it was true because he has been reading his book and new vocabulary is sneaking into his conversations including “Launch pad”, “nastronaut” (I refuse to correct him…. astronauts work for nasa, don’t they?) and the ability to count down backwards from 5. They also gave him his first pair of light up shoes which are contraband at school (superheroes are outlawed, so only outlaws have superheroes?) but they are his very favorite attire at home and on weekends. Often times he just brings them over on his hands and says, ‘watch this!’

Also on the birthday theme, Daddy captured the singing at the school cupcake party:

Brendan has been transitioning out of the Teddy Bear room, and into the Shark room. It’s been going fine, although we really miss the Teddy Bear teachers… Last week I went to see him after his first nap in the Shark room. I walked in and saw him sitting on his cot talking the ears off of two of the older shark ladies who were just waking up as well. I walked up and he casually looked over and said, “Oh hi Mommy! I was just telling them about swimming.” Then he went back to his story. It was a dramatic story with many chapters – he showed them how you use your arms, how you kick your feet, that you wear googles and that he got goggles for his birthday and that he also had a birthday cake that had toys on it. The girls were just sitting there trying to figure out what to make of the new guy. Good thing Harper wasn’t in earshot. Daddy and I realized that with all this talk about swimming, it was time to go back to Hamilton Pool. We had another great visit with a fearless Brendan who was jumping into the pool, sharing his toys with the “little” kids, and who generally acted like he owned the place. We culminated with his very first fudgesicle that came out of the coolest vending machine I’ve ever seen. It involved an ice chest and a robot – and of course, ice cream. Winning situation all the way around.
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Several days later Brendan told Daddy that the robot ice cream was the best ice cream he ever had.

Well, I’ve procrastinated long enough. There is one more story that needs to be told. Last weekend we went back to our new favorite pizza place. It’s by the beach, they brought in their pizza oven from Italy, and they give out free florentine cookies after the meal. It’s a beautiful drive out there, and Brendan wanted his window down so he could ‘whistle for the animals to come out’ and so he could play with the breeze:

As we waited for our dinner, Daddy and Brendan did a little exploring outside. They found a surf shop that had a sandbox built right into the floor. Brendan had to bring me back to see it. We couldn’t stop to play though, because our food was arriving:

We ate dinner, somehow managing to spill the same glass of water three different times – but peaceful other than that. Then after our free cookies, we took a stroll back to see if the surf shop was still open. It wasn’t. Sadness. He seemed to get over it though, and he and Daddy raced around the field.

Brendan started running a little too far out of range and I asked him to stop – then I told him to stop – then I had to take off running after him. He was headed toward the parking lot, and Mommy was scared. I caught him and said, “Brendan – when Mommy says stop you have to LISTEN!”. He started laughing. “Brendan, this is NOT funny, you need to take this very seriously.” More laughing. Mommy did not like this at all, and Daddy was about to lose his temper. I sat him on a rock and had him take a timeout. And even though Mommy came back and explained the importance of both listening for safety reasons, and taking feedback seriously – he was not remorseful. We walked back to the car in silence. Daddy had gone on ahead of us and I explained to him what had happened. We drove a little ways, and then I took one last chance at a teaching moment – this time with a slightly more positive tone to my voice. The crisis had clearly passed, he had either learned or not learned, and it was time to move on. He listened to my words, and then silence again. A tiny, “sorry” emerged from the backseat. “Thank you, Brendan – Mommy is sorry too.” And then, in the same small voice, “Mommy? Would a potamus help?”. It did help. Daddy and I exploded in laughter and so did our son. That little sweetheart was looking for a way to break the tension and take back the moment – and he offered up his very favorite funny word. “Would a potamus help?” is now a family favorite for clearing the air. I firmly believe in helping Brendan learn how to be a big boy. He did this laughing thing one other time – and Grandma has a theory that this “angry” tone is so out or character for Mommy that he thinks I’m playing around. Whether that theory is right or wrong, I need to help him learn that some moments are serious. I love this quote: “Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions not retribution.” (L.R. Knost) We learn what we can from each moment, then we move on. I know Brendan will continue to learn how to be safe, and he will grow his listening ears over time, but being able to put the past in the past and move on is a quality that I also want him to embrace. Resiliency. It’s a trait he is helping Mommy and Daddy to learn as well.

So now I’m 43. Nine years ago I “celebrated” this day by having to shave my head. 3 years ago I truly celebrated from a hotel room in Iowa. I have never worried about getting old. I’m not particularly worried about wrinkles, or the next phases in my life. A good friend of mine moved away just after Brendan was born – we keep in touch, but not as much as we’d like to. I recently sent him the link to the pictures from Brendan’s birthday party because, well – because he’s really Spiderman, and I thought Spiderman of all people would appreciate the party. He (Spiderman) ended up reading through a good portion of the blog and came to a conclusion. He said it was so good to see me “actualized”. This is a person who knew me in my darkest days of mourning what I thought was the loss of my dream. He saw me struggling to find a new identity. Turns out what I needed was not a new identity, but a new perspective so I could find the one true path to my dream. And what I know he could intuit from reading my mommy ramblings is that I’m no longer searching. I still have a lot of growing to do and so much to learn, and there will be many ups and downs along the way – but it’s against the backdrop of finally becoming who I was always meant to be. Three years ago I declared that I have always been 40. But 40 wasn’t any kind of magic number, other than the year I became a mother. I have always been Brendan’s Mommy. It feels good to be at peace in my own skin – to have weathered the storm of uncertainty, and finally feel actualized.