We needed to be at work for meetings starting at 9:00 which amazingly enough, constitutes an “early” day for us. We are still adjusting to the big boy bed, and sleep has not been as consistent for any of us. The morning went smoothly enough – Brendan pooped right before we needed to get him dressed and run out of the house – perfect timing. Except Brendan didn’t want to get his diaper changed. We got out the soft pants – but they were not BLUE soft pants, a sin we didn’t know we were committing. And in the process of diapering and putting on pants, Brendan kicked Daddy in the face – hard. I heard him yell from the other room as I was putting on my earrings. I ran in to help and was met with Daddy holding at arms length, a pantsless baby. Nobody was happy. Mommy gave it a shot and was met with the same resistance to getting dressed. Finally, I used a method I had heard in a workshop – I asked him if he wanted to go to school without any clothes on. “Nooooo!” was the angry and tearful reply. Well then lets get you dressed because we have to go. If you don’t want to be a good helper, we’ll have to get in the car without your clothes on. He wasn’t ready to cooperate – and I needed to be a woman of my word, so I gathered him up and brought him downstairs. He thought he was ready when we were downstairs, and I gave him one more try – but he wasn’t. So we put him in the car, screaming, without any clothes on. Neighbors were watching. But they were neighbors with children, so there was kindness and understanding in their eyes.
I had to go up and get my purse and my other earring, so Daddy took over. By the time I came back down, he was still angry and crying, but almost dressed. I drove, Daddy was a bit stoic next to me, and Brendan was starting to make the transition from mad to sad. I recognized an opportunity to lay some foundation for the man I hope to raise:
It was a frustrating morning, wasn’t it? You didn’t want to get dressed, and you really wanted to wear blue pants. But did you know that when you kicked Daddy you really hurt him? I know you didn’t mean to hurt Daddy, do you want to say you’re sorry?
“No.”
Okay, I understand that you’re still upset. Some mornings are like that. Some mornings we are sad and frustrated. We don’t feel like going to school, and we don’t get to wear our favorite clothes. We make some bad choices and forget to listen to the people we love. Those mornings happen. But the good news is, we always have an opportunity to make better choices. We can learn from the not so good times, and we can leave the bad feelings behind and start fresh. We can choose any moment we want to start listening and to start making better choices. I think that’s what big boys and superheroes do – even big boys and superheroes make bad choices – things don’t always go exactly the way they want them to – sometimes they fall down – but big boys and superheroes know how to get themselves back up quickly so they can start making their day better again and start making better choices.
“I’m not ready to make better choices.”
That’s okay – I know you are still feeling frustrated. That is also your choice. You are in complete control of how you feel. Nobody – not even Mommy or Daddy can control how you feel – that is all up to you. You can choose to feel happy or sad or frustrated or excited or angry or silly – it’s all totally up to you. It makes Mommy feel happy when you’re happy.
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“I’m not ready to be happy.”
Okay – just know that even if you forget to make good choices, and even if you forget to listen, Mommy and Daddy always love you so much no matter what. Mommy will just listen to some music now.
A little later, Daddy and Brendan put the past behind them, and all of us started talking about toys and race cars and raindrops coming out of clouds. We made a fresh start.
I made it to my meeting 2 minutes late, and called Daddy after to find out how the drop off at school went. He told me that it went fine, and admitted that on the drive to work, he was still upset and for a while wanted to tell me to stop talking because he wasn’t ready to make better choices either. Turns out Mommys are annoying to Daddy’s too – not just sons. And parenthood is a thankless job – Daddy will never get a thank you for changing that poopy diaper while being pummeled by kicks and hits. Mommy will never get a thank you for packing the lunch and cutting the pieces of ham into little hearts and stars. Neither of us will ever get a thank you for getting him dressed – even if we do choose the blue soft pants. Or maybe sometimes there will be a thank you, because we have a very polite little man. But we don’t raise Brendan because we want to receive thanks or accolades, we do our best to be good parents because we are filled with unconditional love. We love who he is now, and who he will become – and we want to give him as many tools as we can to navigate this world, and to discover exactly who he is meant to be, and who he wants to be within the world. Lord knows we don’t get everything right in our own lives, let alone as parents, but there has never been anything in my life that has brought me more joy, or that has felt more important. Because parenting may be a thankless job, but it is the most rewarding job I’ve ever had.