I have always been 40.

I was reading a post in a mom blog, discussing the possibility that everyone has an age that they truly identify with. This might be the way you always picture yourself physically in your minds eye – or the hobbies, music, friends, lifestyle that felt most in tune with who you are – or it might be a time where you felt like you most fit in – a time where your sense of self resonated most strongly with the world around you.   This writer (who has 4 children) was saying that for her it’s 13 – and for her mother it’s 18.

My car battery died on Friday, so Rob and I got to drive to work together.  I asked him if he had an age that he identified himself with.  He thought about it and said that he wishes he had really realized how fun and easy life was when he was 18 – but I don’t think that is quite it.  I think we all have that feeling to some extent.  I told him that I had never felt quite like I was where I was supposed to be until I became a mother.  I think some people find that their life comes to a pinnacle  on their wedding day – or during their college years – or perhaps when they finally land the job toward which they have been working.  For me, everything fell into place once Brendan was in my arms.  I feel like I have fallen into myself, or at least the self I was somehow always waiting to be.  And it seems to be manifesting itself in many ways. For instance, I used to get every little cold that came around – but now when I’m shorter on sleep, and exposed to more germs – I’m healthier than ever.  Miraculously, I don’t over think things right now.  I feel comfortable – at the right place and the right time and the right age.  I have found my place in the world, and it’s with my family.

I think for Rob his time is yet to come.  While we were eating out at a restaurant Friday night, two little girls (4 and 6) came over to say hi to Brendan.  He and the four year old particularly hit it off.  But before long, both of the girls were on the other side of the table and had somehow climbed into Rob’s lap to play with him.  This kind of thing actually happens more often than I can tell you.  I have a feeling Rob is going to feel most at home surrounded by children who can talk and laugh and play with him.  Maybe it will be Brendan’s soccer team – or his science club – or his art class – or his band fieldtrip.  But I can picture everyone clamoring for Rob’s attention, with Brendan right in the center, secure in the knowledge that he is Dad’s very favorite person.  This isn’t to say that Rob isn’t blissfully happy right now, but I feel like that is when Rob will fall completely into the man he was always meant to be.  Just a hunch.
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It’s a crazy thing to feel so much love.  And parental love is different and special in a whole new way.  Last night as I was putting Brendan to bed, the prayer that kept going around in my head was that he would find a partner in life who would love him as completely and unconditionally as we do.  The thing that stinks about having a dog is knowing that some day you will have to say goodbye.  That’s the selfish side.  But I also rest easy knowing that she will never again be homeless – she will always be taken care of and loved and cuddled and adored.  Nobody can guarantee Brendan happiness every moment of his life, but I never want him to go a day without knowing that he is surrounded completely by love.  That is the new wish I will make with every penny, every star, and every candle.