Balance

A woman from ILM lost her battle with breast cancer last week. I didn’t know her well, but friends did. She leaves behind three daughters, a husband, and lots of friends and love and memories. She died with vitality and encouraged those who love her to celebrate her life rather than mourn her death.

I can’t hear these types of life stories without wondering ‘what if’. What if I hadn’t happened on that lump in the shower? What if I had done my usual thing and ignored it? When I went to the doctor – she asked if I had any history in my family (no) and said that it was probably nothing. She meant it. And I watched her face as she considered whether she should even send me for a screening or whether that would be foolish overkill. What if she hadn’t? My form of cancer was aggressive and fast moving. We caught it so early that it was still stage one. Most doctors would have said, ‘lets check it again in 6 months’. But if she had, then I probably would not be here today. I went to see her a couple months ago and she hugged me like an old friend. She delighted in the pictures of my son, and recognized the contentment on my face. In many ways, I owe it all to her.

I’m not afraid to die. At almost each stage of my life I have been lucky to feel that I have lived enough life, felt enough love, that if my time comes I won’t feel regret. But that was before I became a Mom. The saddest moments of my diagnosis and treatment came with the fear that I might not ever get to be a mother. Rob always assured me that when the time was right, we would be parents – that my dream would still come true. But I’m stubborn and didn’t realize back then that Rob is always right. We had to go through exactly what we had to go through, so that we could be the parents of the child who was destined for us.

Life is short. It has become a trite expression, but it’s true. Cancer patients are lucky in a way because they get an early warning system. They have to look death squarely in the face, and they can make a decision to live the rest of their days with purpose. I didn’t have my ‘wake up call’ back then. I spent so much energy trying to get things back to ‘normal’ that I lost sight of the powerful message in front of me. But I feel it now. I feel it every time I look into the eyes of my wiggly little boy. I have said too often that I want to bottle it all up – I want to preserve each precious stage and giggle. I try to capture it all with my camera. But time is the most important thing we’ve got, and we can never know how much of that we really have. If I could somehow collect and save each moment, I’d spend many days looking back and experiencing everything again. I’m sappy and nostalgic, and I would do just that. But in looking back, I would sacrifice the magic in the moments happening now, and those will never come again.

I think one of the things I always strive for has been balance. Balance in what I eat (my excuse for hating diets), careful scheduling of time to balance the work with the play – balance feels safe and orderly and proper. But it’s hard to balance living in the present with planning for the future. If we knew we would die in a month, or 6 months, or a year, all of us would do things differently. But what if you don’t know? How do I balance the health of spinach with my desire for another wedge of cheese? How do I balance the need to work and provide a living for my family with my desire to grab Rob and Brendan for a picnic on the beach? For me, love and family come first. Always. If work ever told me I couldn’t take time off to do something I wanted to do with my family, I’d quit. But on a daily basis, what is the appropriate blend? How did the Buddha spend the time to become enlightened when he still had dishes to do?
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I recognize this is the stuff like the magical diet and exercise plan, or the magic relationship cure for which magazines advertise they have the solution. Otherwise, I think the best I can do is to try and be fully present in each moment – to find the joy and beauty and inspiration in all things. To recognize my tendency to spend too much time planning, and instead, to spend more time just going for it. To examine the balance of my life and make sure I’m not trying to get all the “chores” done first, while saving the things I love like dessert after dinner. Sometimes I think it’s okay to eat dessert for dinner, and then have a salad if you’re still hungry.

And I’m sure the Buddha would tell me he became enlightened WHILE he was doing the dishes.