Three Months

There is a quote that keeps running through my head:

To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.

I have always loved babies – ALL babies – some especially much.  And I know that people see Brendan and thinks he is adorable (OF COURSE! =), but how can they possibly know how much this little man means to me?  I’m sure that every parent feels this way, but it’s so overwhelming sometimes that I think I must be the only one in the history of the world to ever feel exactly this way.  Nothing makes my heart more alive then when I can do something that makes him smile, or when he is sad but stops crying as soon as he is in my arms – or when he quiets down in the car as soon as he can just hold onto one of my fingers.  I don’t feel worthy of experiencing this incredible love.

It makes me laugh that I used to wonder how it would feel to ‘give up’ all the fun things Rob and I used to do, when now I can’t even remember what those things were.  I know I could get errands done faster if I didn’t have him with me, but they certainly wouldn’t be the source of joy that they are now when I can look down and see him gazing up at me.  Even folding laundry is a treat with Brendan on the bed keeping me company.

He changes every day.  He is starting to enjoy books, grab at toys – and we have even heard the first bits of laughter.  Rob and I can’t stop talking about all the things we want to show him – pumpkins on Halloween, lights at Christmas – I can’t wait for him to experience his first real rain, hear the crunch of fall leaves, or see the moonlight sparkling on snow.  I can’t wait to sit outside with him on a summer night and look up at the stars.  It will be so exciting to show him Disney (both world and land) – and go to his first back to school night.  I wonder what kinds of activities will interest him.  I wonder what his very first word will be.  I am in no hurry for any of this – each day I say to Rob at least once that he is perfect right this second and that I never want him to change – but then I have my zen moment and realize that he will be perfect every second for all of his days.

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He is the world to me, this little man.  Which doesn’t belittle the love I have for my husband, my dog, my family, my friends – it only expands the capacity I had for love, and increases the love I can feel, and the love I can give.

I am not a public person, and not one for public displays of my own sappiness (even though I love to be around other peoples public displays of sap…).  Instead of expressing these feelings here, I am tempted to run back to my journal and pen – but I write this here because it explodes from my heart – and I want Brendan to read it some day and know that his Mama has always loved him this much.  That he changed me overnight into a better version of myself.  Of course I also know that words can’t adequately express these feelings, so my hope for him is that he will get to experience this love for himself one day.

I never understood why mothers cry on the first day of kindergarten.  Now I know.