I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m happy right now. I have always had all the ingredients of happy – amazing parents, plenty of friends, good opportunities – stuff like that. I remember dating and wondering about the ‘right’ guy. Someone, I think it was actually Lisa, told me that the nice thing about finding the right guy is that you don’t have to think or worry about it. You don’t have to worry about whether he is going to call you, or why he didn’t – or worry about whether he is thinking something he isn’t saying. You don’t have to spend time trying to analyze his every move. She was right. As soon as I started dating Rob, I realized that I had more space in my days because my mind wasn’t constantly wondering and worrying about this person I was dating. I was happy and content – and that created space, rather than using it up. That was a happy time. And I’ve had so many happy times, but still, perhaps selfishly, I never felt quite whole. I know you can tell where I’m going with this, but I’ve tried to determine whether it’s being a Mom, or specifically Brendan that has helped me feel complete. I know that in part, it’s Brendan. He has always been part of me, and I have been looking for him my entire life. But I also know that he couldn’t have arrived any sooner – in the same way that meeting Rob when I was a little girl might not have resulted in the same outcome.
I spent a good portion of my brain power over the years, considering the meaning of life – trying to uncover whether there was some intrinsic purpose that we, or I specifically, was meant to discover. Looking back, I think I knew what my purpose was. I knew what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to feel – and I just wanted to hurry up and get there. In reality, there was no way to ‘hurry’ things along. It wasn’t just a collection of people or things or experiences that I needed to accumulate – it was the culmination of highs and lows, happys and sads, leaps or faith and moments of certainty – into a single point in time where my perspective was made ready to open up and embrace everything around me as new. There is a word that has been echoing around in my head, “denouement”. I’ll be honest and say that I knew it was part of the arc or a story, but couldn’t remember exactly what it meant. So I consulted the internet, and here is what the internet told me: Denouement is the point in the story where, “Conflicts are resolved, creating normality for the characters and a sense of catharsis, or release of tension and anxiety, for the reader.” That’s where I am today. I’m not done growing and learning, but my mind no longer feels the need to churn on the meaning of life. All the pieces finally came together to reveal the Lori I was looking for, and a release of tension and anxiety has been found.
I just told Rob that I love how Chelsea continues to insist on always planting herself between us. Wherever we are in the house, she will split the difference. Times like now, when the peanut is asleep in his room, Rob is downstairs cleaning up the kitchen, and I”m at the computer – it means that Chelsea is asleep on the landing in the middle of the stairs. When I told Rob that I’m surprised she doesn’t seek out solitude in the rare moments when Brendan isn’t climbing all over her, he said that he doesn’t think a dog’s brain works like that. He said he thinks that dogs always live fully in each moment. That’s what I think enlightenment is. Which is nearly impossible for most humans, and I’m certain that I will never come close to dog enlightenment. I’ve had those unexpected enlightened moments that will always stick out as snapshots in time: watching the sunrise on a hammock in Miami, sitting under the stars in the middle of the ocean on the deck of a ship, sipping cappucino on a farmhouse swing in Tuscany. But other than truffle cheese and a perfect breeze, I have found that repeatable moments of enlightenment are hard for me. Once things become routine, I fall into the trap of not experiencing them fully. But with a brain not quite as busy churning, and the addition of a very small man, I’m lucky to have more opportunities to try. My newest favorite repeatable moment of enlightenment is sitting in a chair with Brendan asleep on my lap. His little arms wrapped around my chest or neck, his legs on either side of me, his head resting on my shoulder with his face pressed into my neck – the quiet sound of his breathing, and the smell of his breath. I love it so much that I’m in danger of undoing all of his good going to sleep habits. The sound of his voice and the words he chooses to say continue to stop me in my tracks. This week he has started noticing his shadow, and often when we head down the stairs in the early light of morning, he will stop and wave his little hand and say, ‘hello shadow’. The rest of the world stops, and I’m firmly planted in that moment.
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I’m sure before the weekend is over, I’ll collect some new pictures or videos, but I’m continuing to learn that my desire to capture each of his moments may at times be better served by being fully present, rather than grabbing my camera. He is the best teacher I’ve ever had.
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