We have had to make some sleep adjustments. A certain person in this house seems to have gotten us into some bad habits. I don’t feel it’s right to name names, but I’ll say that her name starts with “M”.
It’s just that I have a weakness for snuggling with him. I know it – and he knows it too. And the big boy bed allows for snuggling in a way the crib never did. Tonight I tried to stay away – I sat right by his door – a good 4, shoot, maybe 5 feet away from him. His lullaby playlist was going, it was quiet for a few moments, and then I heard, “Mommy – you are too far away! You are this far away (hands stretched wide) and I need you THIS far away (hands touching). I buckle. And this is why we need to make sleep adjustments. At least I didn’t get IN the bed. So as I sat kneeling beside his bed with my head resting near his, we hold hands – and with his free hand he starts to play with my hair. Of course. Because this is what he knows to do – his Mama has played with his hair any time his head has been with in reach of my hands – since there was nothing but a little fuzz to enjoy. I sit, truly relaxed and can hardly fathom that my tiny fuzzy headed baby is now old enough to play with his mom’s hair, to sleep in a big boy bed, to talk and reason in ways that astound me every day – and then it hits me. I missed his three and a half year old birthday. We’ve been calling him “three and a half” since early December – but the actual day that marks this occasion was January 22. I missed it. I will still celebrate in my special Mama way – I will go through and select my 100 most favorite photo moments of the last 6 months, and put them in a special folder as I relive each moment… and then inevitably, I will look back at all my collection of 100’s. Revel in the reality of this boy I waited an eternity to meet.
I finally nudge myself away from the bed. Probably just 2 or 3 feet away this time. I close my eyes in hopes it will encourage him. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear, “Mama?” and I open my eyes to see his hand outstretched toward me. I come closer. After all his nose is all stuffy – it’s hard to get to sleep when you can breathe like normal. As soon as I get close, he puts his head directly on mine. Something he has done since he was old enough to move his own body. I get it – we want to feel as close to each other on the outside as we do on the insides. It’s impossible, but we do our very best. And in a matter of moments I feel him heavy and know that he’s asleep. And so we’ll start the sleep adjustments another night. Probably when Daddy is putting him to bed.