Daddy and Brendan were both dealing with some type of sickness this week. Brendan’s definitely included stomach flu, which completely threw his normally voracious appetite off track. Whether it was hunger, or teething or something else, I’m not sure – but each night he seemed to wake up at 3:00am. Sometime he would cry, sometimes he wouldn’t – but he seemed to always want a ‘ba-ba’ and some cuddles. And then more cuddles – or to use my new favorite Brendan phrase, “More Hug”.
As tired as I felt, and as much as I was sorry that he was awake in the night, it was a special time that we shared. Everything was so still, so quiet – just peaceful. Reverent might be a better word. I’m a private person in general, but particularly when it comes to my relationship with God. I pray like I write – just a stream of consciousness. Otherwise I get too caught up in thinking of the right words for God and am no longer present. But on one particular night this week, there was such a palpable feeling of God’s presence in the room with me and Brendan, that before I went back to sleep, I sat down and wrote out my prayer. I share it here only so that Brendan will have it one day, because I’m almost certain he will remember the night, just like I will.
God – only you and my baby know what awakened him in the night.
If it was some sort of physical pain, please help me know how to soothe him,
If it was a nightmare, please help erase it from his mind,
And if it was a recollection of some pain from his short life, please help ease that troubled spot in his heart.As I seek to shelter him from all pain, I also know of it’s inevitability in life,
so I pray that in these early days, you would help him learn how to face these fears.
That he would be able to gain the wisdom he needs – then let go of any lingering feelings,
and move on with only the remembrance required to spring him to the action you have planned for him.Thank you for granting me the ability to calm this tiny person.
Thank you for trusting me with the weight of mothering.
Thank you for honoring me with the chance to live my life with him.
Please help him feel every bit of my love surrounding him,
May each of us feel your love enveloping us both,
and let us feel safe and ready to return to sleep.As my head thinks only of it’s pillow, help center me here.
Let me be fully present in the peace of this moment as I rock my baby to sleep.
Let me be aware of the small weight of his body on mine,
and of our hearts touching as his arms hold tightly around my neck.
I know that this phase of motherhood is so short
and I want to live each moment as the blessing it is.
The next morning, before Brendan was awake, my husband let me know that the sunrise was making our cherry blossoms look particularly beautiful.
